On Friday, I covered some of the biggest mistakes you can makewith your ex-husband and promised four more. Without further ado, and because I'm behind already when it comes towriting Wednesday's post, they are:

 

Denying the what-iffantasies

I think these are only normal, and yet, they're squirmy foreven me to talk about. Despite whatevernegativity you might feel towards your ex-, there's always the chance that astrong attachment to him is still lurking somewherein your energetic field. After all, youhad children together! You shared yourlives in the most intimate of ways. Iremember several years after we'd split up, being occasionally haunted bydreams where my ex- and I were still together, perhaps exploring a new house wewere soon to move into or taking a family trip to strange environs. Waking up from those dreams always left medisoriented and slightly embarrassed: nowwhat was THAT all about? Did thismean I still wanted to be with him? Orthat we were somehow meant to be? Evennow that he was remarried, and I was content with someone else? I would always come back to the same answer: this is the life we have now, and he andI seemed happier….

It took me a while tounderstand that these types of dreams and even waking mental wanderings wereperfectly natural, and not only that, were commonplace. What's the old saying? The more you struggle to be free of something,the more you're reinforcing the fact that there's still a need tostruggle? If you've got some hallucinatorymisfits bumbling around in your psyche, just know you're not alone. I think a lot of these feeling arebiologically-motivated - a part of you wants to put the two halves of a circleback together. Have you ever submerged anywhat-if's?

 

Keeping the focus onyou and your shit, instead of what's best for the kids

This mistake is easy to do, whether you have an ex-husband ornot, since we all get caught up in our own monkey mind chatter and fall prey tomyopic tunnel vision. But ex-husband'sare such convenient target, especially if you're holding a grudge, competingagainst him, or getting all freaked out and stressed about money strugglesbetween you two. If you find yourselffalling into these behaviors too often, time to snap out of it: you're oftenannoyed by things your kids are trying to tell you and are only semi-listening;you wish they would just leave you alone most of the time so you can stew inyour own thoughts; you're churlish and snappy when going about regularhousehold chores, leaking your irritation and emotional angst all overeveryone. We can all periodically getcaught up in an inner storm of self-absorption, but just letting yourself coastalong for too long is not okay! What'syour current state of connection with your kids? Is there anything you need to step back fromand put away in a mental drawer for a bit? 

 

Not seeing him for whohe is NOW

Part and parcel of fueling conflict between you and anotherperson is keeping them frozen in astory; an unchanging character who's only capable of doing this, this and this andno more, without chances for improvement or room to grow. Haven't your friends, co-workers or familyever surprised you? We're all changing,all of the time! You might think becauseyou once lived with your ex- and knew him well, the mental image stillholds. That may be basically true interms of values and personality, but even then, people are often capable of sweeping transformations, or even incrementalones. This can tie back into grievingtoo if he's re-partnered, has other children, etc. — perhaps if you let go ofwho you think you knew, it might meanyou are truly getting left in the dust, as far as what you meant to him, thesignificance of your past together, etc. See if you can step back and look at your ex- from a neutral vantagepoint. Maybe even a bit of curiositywill arise. Who is this person now? In what ways do you need to update yourversion?

 

Letting lostopportunities pass you by

This ties right into the very last, common mistake peoplemake. It's not absolutely necessary thatyou clear up all the other ones first, though it does help to have an openspace inside of from which to work from. Even if you sometimes feel pissy towards your ex-, find yourself occasionallyshrieking "argh!" after you get off the phone with him, or wish youcould shake him by the shoulders… you might still able to be friends. Yes. Isaid friends. 'Course, it takes twopeople to do this and he may not be willing. But there's nothing to keep you from making little exploratory steps,from extending a few teeny olive branches here and there.

 

Believe it or not, David (my ex-) is one of the first people Iturn to sometimes when I need a kind, listening ear. He knows me inside and out, he's seen theworst sides of me and still actually seems to like me (I'm late on his paymentthis month though. Joke.) and I get hisweird sense of humor, which no one else does, so I'm obligated to continuebeing his friend out of pity. (See, now he would get that, but it's a fine line, isn't it?) Something we were able to do over the yearsthat got us here was apologize. Thisseemed to happen in stages, over many conversations, but there no longer seemsto be anything we hold against each other from the past. Only new stuff from the present (I'm on aroll, what can I say?). Seriously, theslate feels clean between us, but we had to work at it and we both took risksto get here. (Another important point:when someone apologizes, keep your mouth shut and take it in. Don't bring up other grievances you haveagainst them!)

 

Sure, there are tons of benefits to be had by befriending thestepmom in this scenario too, but think of how much better your life might beif the other person who was responsible for bringing your children into theworld was also your bud? Think it'simpossible? Never to be? Too weird and harem-like (see last post)? Think again. What else are you going to do with your life, if not dump all that oldbaggage that holds you back from being happy, clear and in the moment? What are some of the things you still likeand love about your ex-husband? In whatways could you serve as a friend to him? How might this benefit the children in yourlife?

© 2008 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved