It's a similar refrain onthis site by now: try to get along with the ex-wife or stepmother; it's worthit in the long run; take an honest look at yourself to see how you're gettingin the way — blah, blah, blah. But how do you actually GO ABOUT making thishappen? What does it look like? Why even bother? What should you expect when you make theeffort? Worst of all, what if it doesn'twork?

Furthermore, who in the world EVER actually getsalong with the "other woman?" Only saints and aspiring authors? Women with poor boundaries? Needy,friendless women? Similarly-attuned,psychotic women?

Before we get to thequestions, here's something to consider: what if you wasted the remaining yearsof your children's lives hating the stepmom or ex-wife — judging her, settingher up, tearing her down — and you could haveactually gotten along with each other? What if you made an effort to connect and discovered it was actuallypossible? Wouldn't you be kickingyourself for all the time you spent trying to prove her wrong? All the extra crap experiences you justassumed were inevitable?

So where to begin if you'dlike thing to be better between you two? Here are a few suggestions to mix thingsup: 

Decide

Just like when you weighedwhether to read this article or not to see if it might have anything to offeryou, the willingness to explore comes before anything. When you venture forward, however tentatively,you start to get a sense of possibilities;of different habits, techniques or perspectives available to you.

Then… it just wells up allon its own, or it doesn't — an actual decision: to go ahead and try to form a bridge of some sort between you two, nomatter where you are now.

Sure, it might be one ofthose shaky, twisting rope bridges that make you feel like it's going to buckyou right off. It might be a sturdy log uniting two cliffs. Whichever the case -- making that initialdecision sets new energy in motion.

Before you can make thatdecision in earnest though, you're probably wondering….

Why?

What's in it for you? What if you really just cannot stand the ex-wife or stepmom? The LAST thing you feel like doing isreaching out to her! Cutting her anyslack, letting go of your judgments and resentments, making things too easy forher by letting her off the hook, after all the crap she's pulled.

Well… I hear ya.

You might also feel likethe whole prospect is just too scary and vulnerable, opens you up tofurther conflict and chaos, more drama. Youmay be afraid of what you stand to lose: control; the freedom to not get along if you don't want to; thefeeling of safety and comfort from your current vantage point. You might alsowonder whether heading in this direction puts you under a certain pressure toalways make it "one big happy family" now…

And I hear you on thosefears too. Totally reasonable andextremely common. You're perfectly intune with the chorus!

It's not like Carol (thestepmom) and I (the mom) initially saw any benefit to getting alongeither. In fact, it didn't even seempossible. Or desirable. We both thought, Whyin the world would I ever want to have anything to do with her?!

But let me ask you this: haveyou ever had a big emotional breakthrough in a relationship with another person? Whether friend, lover, family member,co-worker? I'm sure you had somelegitimate grievances, but at some point, you set your objections aside. That's not to say you just blew them off ormade excuses for them. Or even passivelyaccepted them. But you also understoodthat, eventually, there was a way to workaround your points of contention;to loosen up and soften — and then you shook hands with the other person, metaphoricallyor literally.

Can you do the same thinghere?

Maybe?

Kinda?

In increments?

Like cleaning out anoverwhelming mess, sometimes you just have to start by removing the trash. Whatyou can you remove from your behavior, your thinking, your mental storage box —that is actively negatively or unhelpful?

In the United States, 1,400 new stepfamilies form every day! We can't afford to just leavestepmother/ex-wife relationships in the gutter. With the rate of divorce twice ashigh for remarried couples with children, there's too much at stake.

So, if you'd be willing tomake the effort, even just a little bit at first, here's what you stand togain:

• less stress
• the relief and freshness of collaboration     (eventually)
• better parenting
• happier children
• friendship (maybe, eventually)
• less anger and bitterness in your life
• a stronger, more resilient relationship

Okay… actions! What doesthis look like? How do you do it?

Imagine a sequence

We recommend starting outwith baby steps — bit by bit, day by day, gesture by gesture. You might begin by simply asking her how she'sdoing on the phone, or in person, if you'd never normally do that. Offer to loan her a good book you justfinished reading or a new CD. Surprisethe hell out of her by baking her something, corny as it sounds — some cookiesor banana bread or hey, make her some home-brewed beer.

 

It doesn't have to be thisbig awkward deal, where your efforts are sticking out like a sore thumb. And there's no reason to hang yourself out todry like laundry on a pole. Try tochoose a gesture that fits for you — the level of vulnerability; somethingappropriate to her interests; something that lets you save face if she's notjumping for joy over your magnanimous deeds.

The whole point is tosignal a reconciliatory tone on your part, a change in status from adversariesto possible alliances. Wouldn't youstart wondering what was up if she took similar steps with you? It would get you thinking, huh?

If you really want to bebold, you could ask her out to coffee. Just the two of you. Find somethingthat has to do with the kids that you'd like to share, like a finished reportor project. Keep it short and sweet.

If you'd like, you couldsend her an email or letter, asking her if she'd like to join you in makingthings better between you two.  Even ifshe says yes, the internets are riddled with tales of one-step-forward,two-steps-back, so don't expect miracles. But don't expect a disaster either!

I KNEW this was never going to work!

What might you expect fromyour efforts? They say forewarned isforearmed and in this case, it goes both ways. For her, forewarned might mean, aha!I have time to muster my defenses! Fine- she wants to craft some lovey-dovey dance of friendship between us, well first I'm going to show her in exact detail howshe's made my life miserable!

And for you, it's good toknow in advance that it would be perfectly natural for her to react to you withfear and anxiety, a sense of competitiveness, anger and pissiness, or like thebiggest victim in the world. Annoying,isn't it? Especially when you're beingso generous and high-minded!

On the other hand, shemight actually respond to you with a tentative wariness, a cautious sense of opennessand curiosity. She might just be willingto guardedly see what you're all about — and there's your chance to forge abridge. Talk to her about what might bepossible between you two, what a relief it would be to not be enemiesanymore. Respect the fact that you bothhave different priorities, feel wounded by different experiences in the pastand may not even choose to engage with this person were you not stuck together,as you are. You still have much to gainif you can both agree to a truce.

And see — really, it didn't!

So what if you reach out,heart and soul dangling by a thread, and she basically throws it all back inyour face? There's a psychologicaltechnique where you imagine the worst possible scenario all the way to itsbitter end and then ask yourself: would this kill me? Could I get over this? Can I pick myself back up and move on andeventually let this go?

Same thing here.

Let's say you end up in anargument. She hauls out her wholelaundry list of your offenses, your mistakes and flaming failures. She couldn't give a damn about any stupidtruce. The words "friend" and"(insert your name here)" will never be linked together in a millionyears if she can help it. Matter offact, YOU are a total idiot for even trying! Probably you're only doing so because you KNOW how wrong you are in thefirst place and you feel guilty, with all the shenanigans you've managed.

Well….

I sigh with you as you'resighing.

These things happen….

But.

It is perfectly possible to pick yourself after such a dust-up, brushyourself off and regroup. You're going to be fine….

Take some deep breaths inthe car. Listen to music you love. Get though the immediate moments afterwardsand emphasize to yourself that she has her issues, you have yours and you'reeach responsible for handling your own garbage.

Call a supportive friend, butmake sure it's the right one. Meaning,someone who's willing to listen with a neutral ear and call you on your self-righteousshit if need be. Someone who understands your overall goals of wanting partnershipand harmony, and will wend their way through your emotions with that outcome inmind.

Go exercise to blow offsteam and release negative energy.

Meditate, watch mindlessTV. Do whatever it takes to let go….

This is going to be thelast thing you want to hear, but at some point, you may be ready to try again.

Rinse, lather, repeat

You're the only one whoknows whether it's possible to establish any sense of cooperation and communicationwith the other woman. But before youbound onto the Bandwagon of Scorn, ask yourself if you're taking the easy wayout. Most stepmoms and ex-wives hateeach other. And most women are happy tojust leave it at that, convinced it's really the other side's fault.

What a shame….

…Because women are mastersof emotional gymnastics. We're thetrapeze artists of transformation. Thegurus of group hugs after a nasty verbal marathon that leaves most peoplebewildered and drained.

See if you can give itanother go — another time. Give yourselfsome space to settle back into yourself; adopt the Zen discipline of ano-gossip policy; follow up on anything you said you would.

Practice doesn't alwaysmake perfect. But actions taken from a place of humility and good intentions alwayshave their own inherent, rewarding grace….

© 2008 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved