We've heard from teens about life with a stepmother. We've heard stepmoms themselves discussingwhat it's like for them, trying to manage an instant family and competingloyalties, all while adjusting to a new marriage. I thought it'd be interesting to hear fromsomeone who has the luxury of hindsight in this situation. 

I met Kelly Gray while rock climbing down at the greenbeltone lovely, scorching day and I could tell his climbing mates were enjoying hisinfectious laughter and sense of playfulness. Before I knew it, I got sucked in too. Not many climbers like to sing while they're climbing—but he does. And if you don't mind making a fool out ofyourself, you'll find that it actually helps both your climbing technique and your nerves….

I'm proud to now call Kelly a friend and I thank him forletting me pick his brain!

How old were you whenyour stepmom came into your life? Howdid that go for you? And any siblings?

My step-mom came into my life when I was about eight, thoughshe was my Dad's secretary at the time and didn't become my stepmom until I wasabout 17 or 18. I was good friends withher son, too, so the transition was actually a little easier. You know when you spend the night with yourfriends in grade school, their parents kind of "mother" you or whatever,so I was kind of used to her being in a parental role by the time she became mystepmom. She'd also come to pick me upat school a couple of times when I was sick. 

I think the transition was a bit more difficult for mylittle sister because here was another woman with different ideas about what itmeans to be a woman. My stepmom's kidsboth basically turned their backs on her because she was dating my Dad (heremployer), which made the circumstances surrounding her divorce suspect for herfamily as well. The situation was pretty insane for her, and at the end mysister and I both felt really bad for my stepmom because her situation was justso out of control.

Did your relationshipdramatically change with her over time?

Not really. Well ofcourse mine did—when I came out of the closet my very religious step mom got onthe phone and told me that God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Bob…. She kind screwed the joke up, but you get thepoint. Eventually, I felt like she wasreally hostile towards me and probably drove my Dad to disown me. My father and I had talked about my sexualitybefore that; of course anybody paying attention would have guessed, and he'dalways promised to be supportive. Sowhen I got dropped, I naturally blamed my stepmom. To this day, I still feel a little like sheplayed a part in all that.

Did you ever feellike your relationship with her impacted your relationship with your father,for better or worse?  

This one is really funny, because my biological mother endedup with two step kids herself, and I'm really close to my step-brothers. We've all talked about this one –actually my stepmomacted sometimes as a mediator between my Father and I, and my step-brothersboth said the same thing about my biological mom! We all agreed that it was easier to talk withour stepmom about some things we couldn't even tell our biological parents, andin some cases, helped "break" the news to our fathers. In a lot of ways it improved the relationshipa lot. I did always kind of resent thatthird person being there, though. My Dadand I were best friends, and when my stepmom came along it added this layer ofcomplexity, I think.

Did you ever feelguilty (in terms of your mom) about having a good relationship with your stepmom? 

Hell yeah!!!

Hey,when Dad marries the Secretary and I find myself being compassionate despitethe fact that she's "the other woman", you can bet that the guilt isgoing to flow freely. In a lot of ways,I felt like was constantly betraying my mother, but I had to do it in order tobe on good terms with my father. My momwas always pretty understanding, to a point, but there were times when she'dtalk about my stepmom in a really negative way that really drove the pointhome.

Did you ever play theadults off each other for your benefit? 

No, our parents never really denied us anything so we didn'treally need to do that. 

What are some goodmemories you have about the way the adults in your life related to each other?

Honestly? I think thebest memory is when my sister's first child was born. The two sets of parents sat in the samewaiting room and had their experience as if the other wasn't there. It was great, they kind of mutually agreed toignore the other set of parents.

What's yourrelationship like now?

Pretty good, actually. My stepmom is more like a friend than ever, and when I went homerecently, we even rode around in the same car together and talked about whatall was going on in each other's lives, including the new guy I'd been dating andher drama with her kids. 

What are you mostgrateful for now with your relationship with your stepmom? How about then?

Now, I'm just grateful she's willing to be an observant thirdparty. Then, I was grateful she didn't try to send me to military school!

What did you wish youhad known before about how to better relate to her?

I wish I'd have avoided venting to her about my mother, andto my mother about her. I treated my stepmomlike a best friend, and in retrospect she really was, but I should haveunderstood where to put boundaries. Ican't imagine how hard it must have been for her to hear me talk like that - orfor my Mom to hear me talk about my stepmom, without commenting and getting involved. I wish I'd have talked to my friends aboutthat stuff instead.

Anything you'd liketo tell other stepmom's to reassure them, or help them head off problems at thepass?

Kids can be real shits, I know for sure that I was. My stepmom managed to stay ahead of the curveas far as level of maturity, and for that I'm truly grateful. I think my stepmom understood that my sisterand I were both A) teenagers and B) insane after our parent's divorce, andhonestly gave us unconditional love, even though we really made some attempts tohurt her as badly as we were hurting inside. I know that had to be so hard, I can't even imagine, loving these twopeople who aren't even your own blood, even when you're getting the absoluteworst they have to offer.

Despite the ups and downs, I think that woman probably deserves a medal. And let's not forget that this very religious, very Southern Baptist woman now has a gay step-son (and all that comes along with that) and has found a way to make that OK?  She's a better person than me.

Thanks again, Kelly!

© 2008 Jennifer Newcomb Marine    All Rights Reserved