Supporting our kids through daily actions

May 19, 2008 Jennifer Newcomb

Blue Bamboo, a devotedstepmom to her husband's two young daughters (seven and nine), could useeveryone's prayers at the moment. Last Thursday, the mother of the twodaughters apparently accidentally smothered her seven-month old infant to deathin bed while drunk. The daughters are inthe custody of Blue and her husband, the girls' father. The whole situation is just heartwrenching,as Blue and her husband had long anguished over the neglect the girls weresuffering while in the care of their mom.I know we're always encouraging both sides — the stepmom and the ex-wife— to develop a working relationship, but sometimes, obviously, that's just notpossible. While perusing the world ofstepmom blogs to add to our list of links, I came across several blogs wherethe stepmom genuinely seemed to be dealing with a crazy woman. How can we tell these stepmoms (or a mother,when the stepmom seems nuts) to just tryharder? We can't.... But we CAN focus on the whole reason we'veall been thrown together in the first place: the kids. One very large silverlining in Blue's story — the girls will most likely end up living with thempermanently. A few days after this wholedisaster unfolded, the girls went to the library, helped pick out bushes for agarden, and played with friends. Suchsimple actions, but so powerfully normal,and so wonderfully protective. We can nurture and support our children andstepchildren every single day by choosing to keep a few basic things in mind....

The way our regulardaily lives unfold has a real impact on how safe and loved our childrenfeel. When there's plenty of food in thehouse, it's relatively clean andorderly, when there are routines and predictable patterns — all of these thingshelp a child or teen feel a sense of security, coziness and most of all, belonging. It feels good to feel like you're a part of aclan (however annoying those clan members can also be), like there's a puzzlethat wouldn't be complete without you.No parent or stepparent's ever going to be on top of all the things that need to be done,such as shopping, laundry, pets, cooking, etc., but just know that if you'vegot most of the instruments playing(even if they're not always synched up), the song's being heard (andfelt).

We've alsopotentially got work life, financial realities, and the eternal search for atiny slice of down-time competing for brain space, energy and the finite numberof hours in a day. And I think it's fairto say that most of us are pretty tired, but it only takes a moment to connectwith a child or stepchild. You cansoften and warm your voice when you speak to them. You can make eye contact, saying essentially,I see you.... You can touch a shoulder, the middle of aback, or the top of a head. You can dosomething thoughtful that only takes a second, like setting out a favoriteshirt, cup or other possession.

I've recently beeninspired by Eckhardt Tolle's book "A New Earth" (yes, yes, I know,roll your eyes if you want to, it being an Oprah pick and all). A thought-provoking concept: ask yourself atany given time, what is my relationshipwith the present moment? If you canmake peace with many moments during the day, simply by tuning into that instantand nothing more, then you can build up a whole day of simple contentments. And from those little islands of common stillness and peace,it's much easier to look at your stepchild or child with a genuine expressionof acceptance and gratitude for who they are, in all their flawed human glory. Canyou communicate love and warmth in your eyes several times a day, instead ofbusyness and preoccupation? If so, thosedays add up to months, months to years and there you have it: an atmosphere ofcaring, amidst the chaos of life.

If you feel soinclined, please stop by Blue Bamboo's site and offer a word of support orencouragement — they've got some extra challenges ahead of them when it comesto helping their daughters heal (but I have faith that they will).

And I challenge youto see how many different ways you can love your child or stepchild throughoutthe day and the week, five or ten seconds at a time....

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