The best defense is some ugly truth

December 21, 2009 Jennifer Newcomb

(This post originally appeared in a slightly altered version last week, before our host blew up. I’ve revised it and included some important links as well.)It’s a normal human impulse... when you can’t escape ongoing conflict with another person, you often feel compelled to prove who’s more at fault. Surely it can’t be you! The thing is, our ability to accurately interpret reality and take productive action is weakened by a little conundrum called self-deception, which is the problem of not knowing - and resisting the possibility - that one has a problem.*

This is greatly oversimplified, but there are two potential primary sources of mom/stepmom conflict:

One side -- or both sides -- are behaving in a truly harmful, crazy manner.
Each person is basically “normal,” but one -- or both sides -- are in emotionally-reactive mode.

BOTH scenarios can involve some pretty nasty behavior. You might be experiencing:

name-calling, yelling, anger, aggression
being set up to fail due to withheld, incomplete or deliberately erroneous information
a competition to be the better parent -- in the eyes of the children -- and others
legal battles over custody, visitation, and child support

Sometimes it fairly clear-cut when you’re dealing with Scenario A. For instance, when there’s evidence of:

substance or alcohol abuse
diagnosable mental illness
abusive or negligent parenting
parental alienation syndrome**

But other times, you’re not so sure where you are on the spectrum of responsibility. I mean, c’mon - isn’t mental illness and poor parenting subject to (massive) interpretation? How do you know whether it’s Scenario A and you need professional help? Or whether it’s simply Scenario B (and you still might need help)?

You might be wrestling with:

invasions of privacy
hearing that the other parent is maligning your name (from the child or others)
rudeness and sarcasm/ being snubbed / cold, unfriendly behavior
roadblocks to basic communication
huge differences of opinion regarding discipline, diet, TV or computer usage, appropriate friends for the children, etc.

Believe it or not, there’s one very basic way to tell whether you’re dealing primarily with Scenario A or Scenario B.

And once you know that, you also have some great information on what you should do about the conflict.

It’s not pleasant, but it’s simple.

You take off the self-deception blinders.

Be brutally honest and look at your own behavior. Are you:

happy to see the other person fail?
repeating your hard-done-by stories to anyone that will listen?
tallying up your resentments and criticisms?
rigidly trying to maintain control of the situation?
succumbing to your lowest impulses in a way that makes you feel embarrassed or out of control afterward?

Now... some of this behavior above might seem like a perfectly “reasonable” reaction to have if a nutcase bent on destruction was coming after you, right?

Maybe...

After all, we’re only human. We can only take some much wacky behavior before we lose our saintly intentions to be good all the time.

But here’s the beauty of being willing to look at the ugly stuff: if you can admit to yourself how YOU’RE actually benefiting from keeping the conflict going, something magical happens.

Suddenly, even though it first seems like you’re joining the other person down in the ditch and getting muddy yourself, you’re now able to see the other person’s behavior more clearly -- without the swirl of negative emotions that normally keep you locked into a position of self-justification.

Some possible benefits to keeping the conflict going? You get to:

feel superior, self-righteous, smarter, better all around
enjoy being the eternal victim/ you get sympathy, anger and indignation from others that validates you
feel blameless, clean and innocent / are clearly the wronged or injured party
kick back and relax and let the other person hang herself
have the safety of not having failed - it’s someone else’s fault that things aren’t working

If you run through the list and find yourself going,

“Check, and Um... check. Yep, that one too... and that one. Ugh....”

... then what happens when you think about the other woman?

You’re probably better able to see where she’s participating in the same kind of behavior -- and where it goes a lot further than that.

If the other person is truly crossing some scary lines and is making your life a living hell (it happens), then the next step is to strengthen your boundaries and protect yourself, the kids, and your marriage.

Anne Katherine has a great analogy in her book “Boundaries” where she compares boundaries to the skin that covers your body. Your skin keeps the right things in and the right things out of your precious system.

Same dynamic here. Healthy boundaries give you a feeling of safety, comfort and control. You may not be able to control someone else’s behavior, but you can fortify your ability to keep their destructive behavior from taking over your life.

Now, you might be thinking that being aware of your boundaries simply means you understand the limits of what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate, but boundaries actually involve so much more than that.

To establish healthy boundaries requires that you first ask for what you want.
Barring the result you desire, you enforce a limit on future behavior by creating a consequence if your request is not met.

As women, we’re not socialized to clearly state what we want, much less create consequences if it doesn’t happen. Asking for what you want might mean you come across as bossy or selfish. We’re socialized to be “nice” and put the common good above our own desires. And enforcing a consequence might put you squarely in “bitch” territory!

If your boundaries seem to be fairly intact and you suspect that one or both of you are simply in emotionally-reactive mode, then it might be time to look at whether there’s anything you’d like to change in your own behavior.

Either way, facing up to some potentially squirmy truths in your life will get you closer to peace and perhaps eventually... partnership.

More about how to create healthy boundaries next week!

* The Arbinger Institute has a free, upcoming call on “The Anatomy of Peace” on Thurs., Jan. 7, 2010. More information here. I love both of their books and highly recommend them for their brilliant insights on conflict resolution, from the heart.

** Dr. Richard A. Warshak’s classic book “Divorce Poison” has been newly updated and will be released on January 19^th. Take a look at his updated website for lots of information on parental alienation syndrome and a great list of resources.