I'm a writer and public speaker who is fascinated by the dichotomy of forces that shape our behavior at any given moment - without us even realizing it.
There's what we consciously think and feel.
Then there are the hidden forces, such as our subconscious beliefs, that are responsible for creating our own particular flavor of "reality." This blog explores cognitive therapy principles, which encourage us to slow down, listen to our internal monologue and ask whether we're are telling ourselves the truth.
Or... bending it a bit. Or a lot.
Walking a 31-year journey
I will always be grateful to my father, a pilot in the Air Force, for encouraging me to go a cognitive therapy workshop when I was 19 that changed my life.
In it, I was surprised to learn that our thoughts are often hilariously inaccurate, even when they are accompanied by intense emotions and the certainty that we are absolutely, positively, without a doubt, right.
We're not.
A shocking amount of the time, actually.
There were only a few people my age in that workshop (and four of them remain my closest friends today). The rest were professionals. Lawyers, teachers, therapists and doctors.
We are all wearing the Emperor's New Clothes
As one by one, volunteers shared the inner workings of their minds, I was dumbstruck to realize that we ALL suffered from the same crippling beliefs of unworthiness.
We were all terrified of being ostracized.
We all felt deeply hurt or angry over wounds from long ago.
How could this be? These "successful" people?
Each person seemed to go through their own unique, but predictable metamorphosis. Not one put-together adult really seemed to have their act together!
With each story, I went from amazement, to smugness, to pity, and then to compassion.
Eventually, I saw the deep inner beauty of each participant -- and fervently wished they could see it too.
The intensity of your shame doesn't mean your fears are true
The more that people showed us their most shameful selves in all its raw, messy glory, the lighter the room got.
The braver and more vulnerable each person was, the more the entire room held them with understanding, admiration and even, affection.
It was a miracle to see the changes in people's faces and body language that weekend.
I learned some things about the human mind that I have never forgotten and have applied with great success to some of the most challenging experiences of my life.
Testing these ideas against the s*** of real life
One of the breakthroughs I was able to make was releasing the self-righteous judgments, resentment, hurt and anger I felt towards my ex-husband about two years after our divorce -- and eventually, later when he remarried, his second wife, Carol.
The impetus for those changes came from our children, whose sad faces mirrored back to me the end result of the subtle war between our two households.
Those experiences formed the basis of a book that Carol Marine and I wrote together called No One's the Bitch.
In it, we did our best to be brutally honest about our own dirty laundry, so that others could learn from us and also create, if not a friendship, at least more of a respectful, collaborative relationship between the households.
The Mending the Nest pattern: distorted mental dialogue, other possibilities and a few questions
In this blog, I'll contrast some of the typical, fearful thinking that comes from our ego and old, outdated subconscious beliefs, against other possible approaches to create happiness.
You'll see an example here, in my first post.
The pattern is basically:
This is just a place for me to connect with others who are curious about the same things:
I hope the material I share here helps you shake up your assumptions about yourself, other people and life in general -- in the best possible way.
Here's a saying I love:
"Every person takes the limits of their own field of vision for the limits of the world."
- Arthur Schopenhauer
Thank you for reading!
My more "official" bio:
Jennifer Newcomb Marine is a writer and public speaker who grew up in Madrid, Manila, Paris and all over the U.S. She is the mother of two grown daughters, a grandmother, and a stepmom-to-be to two teens and a young adult. She’s also an honorary aunt to the young son of her ex-husband and his wife. She is happily engaged to a wonderful partner who is also a writer. Jennifer is the co-author of “No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for Mothers and Stepmothers” (GPP Life, 2009) and “Skirts at War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict” (Nest Press, 2013). She’s been featured on The Dr. Phil Show, The Washington Post, ABC News, CNN, Canada’s Globe and Mail, StepMom Magazine, Publisher’s Weekly, Library Journal, The Huffington Post, Psychology Today, DivorcedMom.com and numerous radio interviews. MY BOOKS
No One's the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for Mothers and Stepmothers (GPP Life, 2009)
No One's the Bitch was co-written with Carol Marine, the stepmom to my children and wife of my ex-husband. Our first two years of knowing each other went as they probably do for most divorced moms and stepmoms. We could barely make eye contact with each other, assumed the worst of intentions and both had knots in our stomachs whenever we were forced to interact. After a few tentative, exploratory steps towards cooperation and friendship, we found ourselves in a strange land. How does one do this, exactly? So we wrote the book together because WE needed it and it was nowhere to be found. In the process, we uncovered - and shared - our snarky, competitive thoughts and feelings and looked for a better way.
Critics said:
"A really interesting walkthrough; a ten-step plan that’s well thought-out and experience-based... A giant step in resolving this problem."- Dr. Phil McGraw, on The Dr. Phil Show (2009) "...Ground-breaking work and an absolute must-read for anyone in a mother-stepmother relationship."- Amy McCready, The Today Show parenting contributor, author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time…, Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, Inc. "...A helpful, readable, and informative roadmap for navigating what is often a highly-charged, contentious relationship."- Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster
I'm no longer writing new material for the No One's the Bitch (NOTB) website, but it has over 300 articles on divorced family relationships.
You can download a free chapter from No One's the Bitch HERE.
Skirts at War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict (Nest Press, 2013)
Skirts at War was co-written with my former business partner, stepmom coach Jenna Korf. We took the heavy input of our No One's the Bitch community and outlined action steps to create personal peace when the other household has no interest in forming a collaborative relationship.
It's broken into three sections for easy reference when you need help in the heat of the moment: Problems, Power Tools and Making Progress. How are you supposed to handle active hostility, passive aggressive behavior or simply indifference from the mom or stepmom - without losing your mind and self-esteem? The answer lies in getting the right kind of support, creating stronger boundaries and making sure your instincts and expectations aren't working against you.
Skirts at War also includes a chapter written by Mario Korf on the man in the middle's perspective after divorce and remarriage.
Critics said:
“A must read for helping both moms and stepmoms find peace within, even when the other woman won’t put down her sword.”- Brenda Ockun, Publisher of StepMom Magazine What a beautifully strong and positive place to begin what may be the most challenging and gratifying part of your journey.”- Gina Torres, actress, mom and stepmom ""An exciting new addition to the stepfamily field. It provides stepfamily members with the necessary tools to lead happy, healthy lives, regardless of their particular challenges."- Rachelle Katz, Ed.D., psychotherapist and author of The Happy Stepmother
Download a free chapter of Skirts at War and a free, 65-page Skirts at War Workbook.
Visit the book's website HERE.
I love reverse-engineering quirky human behavior using cognitive therapy. After co-writing two books on divorced families, I'm exploring creativity, learning and more fun. Join me! SUBSCRIBE
WHAT ELSE IS POSSIBLE? You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are often wildly inaccurate. That's because they're fueled by old fears – and many of your fears come from ego and outdated subconscious beliefs. From the mundane to the crucial, how can you improve your life by thinking more clearly?
crappy thoughts - exaggerated, black and white
another way to look at the same situation - with occasional supporting research
questions about what else might be possible - our brains LOVE open-ended questions and can't help but start working on them; plus hearing from others in the same boat can be a huge relief and comfort
clearer thinking
happier families
beautiful, peaceful homes
helping people in need
making stuff with our own hands
taking better care of our home planet